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went to an open mic poetry reading for the first time two weeks ago and was completely entranced by being there and by participating. you know, reading one of my poems. one of my very private, very revealing poems. to a group of utter strangers. and yet, i was totally enthralled. an evening of pure, unadulterated joy. i haven't been that happy in...must be years. seriously, years. what made that evening even better was sharing it with my friend, brian. to know that i was happy and that he was happy that i was happy made me even happier. is that kind of strange? it might be but it is what it is.
now as to what brought us to that poetry reading, that was all brian's fault. he's been after me for over a year to read my poetry to an audience. and i finally gave in. okay, it wasn't all that difficult to persuade me. what artist, even an inexperienced one, doesn't want to secretly, or not so secretly, be applauded? i'll admit the applause was terrific but it was the chance to be an approved exhibitionist that was wonderful. to be able to read my poetry and not give a rat's ass about what anyone else thought was very...freeing. i can't wait to do it again and again and again.
and what private and personal glimpse did i offer. the one below. and now i share it with you.
bitch in heat
i'm a human version
of a bitch in heat
aching and shaking
with unfulfilled needs
doesn't take much
to get me on the bed
offer myself
legs wide spread
what is it
that takes me over
so i demean myself
as i roll over
what is it that makes
my pulse pound
so i can't hear
anyone around
what makes my heart
beat like a drum
my entire body
start to hum
nothing obscene
not any perversion
i don't think anyone
would have an aversion
all you need do
is something so natural
it will be quick
i'll keep it casual
i'm not even fickle
i take all comers
because i'm burning
like the hottest of summers
i'll lay myself down
don't care who you are
man or a woman
everyone can take me far
i still haven't told you
what makes me wet
keeps me looking
see what i can get
the need that i have
that makes me shiver
is your attention
causes me to quiver
pay me a compliment
listen to my words
spend time with me
sounds so absurd
because i am that bitch
all too often ignored
until you see my need
then i am a whore
my lust is insatiable
enough can never be enough
i don't mind if you're gentle
won't care if you're rough
either way i find ecstasy
an emotional orgasm
it temporarily fills
my heart's chasm
once we are done
and i am gratified
i strut around
quite glassy-eyed
unlike that bitch
i'm always in season
need driving me always
far beyond reason
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hush now
whisper low
he's right here
you've no where to go
you have no strength
for you to be safe
he's every where
and no place
you are but a shadow
he has weakened you
can't see you weep darkly
tears bright and new
your will frightened
just as you feared
he'll be your nightmare
as night draws near
no protection for you
craving a vampiric kiss
soul-sucking oblivion
born in the bloodiest abyss
you scream in your mind
holding still
paralyzing yourself
what will you will
he raped you bare
violated from within
yet you want to sacrifice
for him your skin
give over your body
to make his dominance complete
bleed your surrender
in defeat
yet he'll not stop
there will be no cease
and you'll not rest
you'll have no peace
yes he is here
you have no where to go
if you whisper and hush
he won't know
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she starts the day
calm and blissful
not a thing going on
expecting nothing unusual
in the blink of an eye
her world starts to shake
she's at the center
of an emotional earthquake
the initial jolt
splits her heart
the jagged chasm
tears her apart
divided in two
she loses her ground
has no anchor
gets tossed around
when the upheaval
finally ceases
she looks all over
to find her pieces
bits of herself
strewn and scattered
she finds it difficult
to see why she matters
she wants to stay broken
lay in the debris
of her crushed emotions
a soiled dusty sea
but she finds strength
to stand up tall
won't allow disaster
to make her small
she'll take the rubble
that is herself
and rebuild again
beauty from hell
she's done this before
and will do it again
won't allow tragedy
to do her in
she'll be stronger
for having survived
a resilient inhabitant
in her very own life
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i was inspired by my friend john to share this poem when he asked for input about legal (and illegal) drugs on his latest blog (johnsmulo.com). myself, i have a love/hate relationship with medicine. on the one hand, it allows me to be as close to emotionally normal as i can right now. on the other, i have to have it to be even remotely emotionally normal. one part blessing, one part curse. but i take my medicine every day without fail. i will most likely take it every day without fail until i die. for without the blessing of medicine, i would be cursed to live a half-life that would not be worth living. some days i'm just not sure how i feel about that.
Pill
seek where you want
look where you will
the key to me
is locked in this pill
blessing or curse
you must decide
knowing some of me
is found inside
my best or my worst
you tell me
is it my chain
or does it set me free
a burden too bare
or one to withstand
what do i hold
inside my hand
it may be medicine
but it feels addictive
the only means i have
to be somewhat self-restrictive
what would happen
without this key
the one that locks away
bits and pieces of me
i don't want to know
uncertainty is pain
so i let a drug
be my rein
i'll take it willingly
until i die
so i might not believe
my countless lies
mask the half
that shouldn't be seen
try never to create
any sort of scene
you won't find my soul
thought you look quite hard
because the pill you see
has become my heart
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as long as i go where you tell me
and do what i'm told
you'll let me have freedom
inside your mold
should i struggle too hard
or chafe at my bonds
you'll simply remind me
you must go along
this is your program
such is your plan
if i can't walk beside you
then maybe i'm damned
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i woke up today
and finally saw the sun
it shined full bright
lighting every dark corner
the dim replaced with illumination
bitter cold receded
the warmth was glorious
i reveled in it
but all too soon
the day was over
as the sun set low in the sky
i said a fervent prayer
that it would rise tomorrow for me
please...just for me
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today i woke up pretty
i couldn't see my scars
my mind was whole
my heart unmarred
i know it won't last
it'll be here only a while
but for now i'll enjoy
and wear a great smile
i'll go to bed happy
but i'll fear when i'll wake
for tomorrow i may see
that i'm just a mistake
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Poems 
