a note to my therapist:

thus was a beautiful morning in april started. i was having such a hard time finding reasons to be here. to be in this life. to be on this planet. fortunately, i was to be given one very suprising reason.

weeks earlier i had asked my friend brian to take me for a ride on his harley. i don't know why i asked him to do that since i definitely enjoy the closed in feeling of a car. and the seatbelt. and the air bags. if you want to find a cautious, safety-comes-first gal, I'm her. but brian was so very passionate about his motorcycle. he actually owns three in all, and he gets the biggest grin on his face when he talks about riding. i swear that man is happiest when he's defying road rash by speeding down the road or zipping in and out of traffic or leaning the bike over farther than should be possible on some insane curve. if you met him, you would definitely not peg him for a thrill junkie. does not fit the stereotype. pretty much defies it. he is infectious though. he must be because hearing him describe how much fun he has and seeing him smile like a little kid on christmas convinced me to give up the safety of a perfectly good five-star crash-test rated car for the possibility of my own layer of road rash.

it just so happened brian was finally taking me for a ride on that same sunny april morning. the morning i was questioning whether i made a difference to myself. the morning i was so numb that i wasn't sure i would find my way out. i had even convinced myself that i wasn't going to go. but then he rode up. he simply asked "do you still want to go", and i found myself saying "yes". i dutifully suffered through putting on a helmet that squished my cheeks like a maniacal grandma. i endured the humiliation of being buckled into it like a little kid. i put on the extra pair of gloves brian thoughtfully brought, and we were ready to go.

apparently that yes my mouth uttered turned off any fear factor i might have had because i didn't even hesitate when i got up there behind brian. just threw my leg over the seat, hunched up behind him, wrapped my arms around his waist, and grabbed two fistfuls of his jacket. after that everything was just surreal. nothing between me and the road and i didn't care. no fear. no hesitation. no reservation. all i felt was pure, unadulterated joy. a very rare thing for me in general and certainly unexpected on a day that began with me questioning the why of my existence.

that ride was amazing because all my senses were on high alert. it was as if every bit of my body was at attention. my face felt the morning sun's heat come through the visor and the tickle of my hair on my forehead. my feet felt the comfortable stability of the foot pegs through the soles of my boots. my calves found just the spot to tuck in tight against the frame and could feel the unyielding metal. my thighs felt the softness of my favorite jeans, the slight pressure of gripping the seat, and the weight of brian between them. my wrists felt the cool wind in the ever-so-small space between where the gloves and my sleeves didn't quite meet. i felt the crush of my chest on brian's back as i tried to tuck myself in tight so i could lean when he leaned. our weight shifting on each turn and curve. the feel of entrusting myself to someone else to keep me safe. abandoning myself to the experience.

and when we finally returned to where we started, i knew for that day i had found one thing to live for. and that was enough for that day. and it might even be enough for tomorrow and the next day and the next and the next and the next.

i've asked brian if he will take me for another ride. i've asked if we can go farther next time. "anywhere you want", he said. i hope we go again because on a sunny day in april i may not have found anything to convince me to need me. but i don't think i'd mind becoming a thrill junkie if it gave me a reason to live for one more day. and one more. and one more. and one more...