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the knot in my stomach twists and curls. tighter, ever tighter, and tighter still. wrapping each nerve, pulling each muscle. my entire body is overtaken by the struggle.
i crave and desire what i am not to have. no more cutting for me. it's forbidden, taboo, politically incorrect, socially undesirable. i don't give a damn. i have never, never wanted anything so much in my life. nothing. i'm paralyzed in place except for my mind. racing, it paces back and forth. rummaging through my rabbit warren of thoughts. looking for the weaknesses, finding them easily.
i want to give in and drop to my knees with a sigh of relief. give in and feel the rush, the bliss, the ecstasy. quiver with the exquisite pleasure that only a razor blade can give me. no other experiences have ever come close. yet i am banished to the realm of alternatives, substitutes, diversions, distractions. my puppets. my false idols. imitations of the shadows of my reality. but no fantasies for me for fear the line between truth and lies will blur.
do not believe the truth of the lie emma, you say. why shouldn't i? the lie of the truth hurts so much more right now. fight the pain, emma. why should i? the pain is agonizing, the fight is wounding. let me lay down and give in. winning is not in my nature. i concede and compromise, let me do so. i'll willingly surrender. so much easier that way. and why not? you would too if you knew defeat would give you the rush, the bliss, the ecstasy.
i would gladly lay beneath the guillotine and look to the sky. i would welcome the anguish and would look her in the eye.
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