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my friend brian and i went to the gym today. after a lovely workout, yes i said lovely, we went to the back 40 and laid on the grass. flat on our backs, watching the clouds go by, enjoying the warmth of the sunshine. for me, it was good for my sore back and my heart, mind and soul. brian summed it up better when he called it "peaceful comfort". something he and i both miss, need, crave right now.
but why does peaceful comfort have to be an endangered species? rarely glimpsed and achingly elusive. so very hard to capture. and once caught, you realize she is nothing more than a gossamer wisp that melts in your hands. nothing to hold, nothing to carry. you end up letting her go without really realizing you had her in your grasp. all you can do is weep at what was. and then you hurt so fiercely from the lack you hunt for her as if you would prey. only to realize she isn't something that can be stalked or cornered. she cannot be leashed or caged. you wait patiently, quietly, hoping to lure her with your immobility. because then you will humble yourself at her feet and beg her to stay. pray that she lets you curl up next to her and bask in her warmth. for those few moments, let her hold the world at bay so you can rest.
all too soon, she is ready to leave. you let her go because you finally realize she is not yours to force. she will come when she will. and then, then you will weep with relief because she graced you with her presence. you will silently scream for the joy of being whole. and you will endeavor to etch her into your memory so you can conjure her up as you would any other happy memory.
but it never really works out that way. somehow peaceful comfort is only real when you are in her midst. once she fades to the background, it's as if she never was. she's a willow-the-wisp that dances teasingly out of vision.
maybe someday i can tame her. then again, perhaps not. as i said, she is a wild thing not easily caught. for now, i'll lie in wait. i'll approach her gently, reverently. and maybe, just maybe, she'll let me lie against her. let me cry into her soft embrace and for a brief moment, be free.
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