EmmaChristina.com http://www.emmachristina.com Tue, 07 Sep 2010 16:11:26 +0100 FeedCreator 1.7.2 http://www.emmachristina.com/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=44&Itemid=31 went to an open mic poetry reading for the first time two weeks ago and was completely entranced by being there and by participating. you know, reading one of my poems. one of my very private, very revealing poems. to a group of utter strangers. and yet, i was totally enthralled. an evening of pure, unadulterated joy. i haven't been that happy in...must be years. seriously, years. what made that evening even better was sharing it with my friend, brian. to know that i was happy and that he was happy that i was happy made me even happier. is that kind of strange? it might be but it is what it is. now as to what brought us to that poetry reading, that was all brian's fault. he's been after me for over a year to read my poetry to an audience. and i finally gave in. okay, it wasn't all that difficult to persuade me. what artist, even an inexperienced one, doesn't want to secretly, or not so secretly, be applauded? i'll admit the applause was terrific but it was the chance to be an approved exhibitionist that was wonderful. to be able to read my poetry and not give a rat's ass about what anyone else thought was very...freeing. i can't wait to do it again and again and again. and what private and personal glimpse did i offer. the one below. and now i share it with you. bitch in heat i'm a human version of a bitch in heat aching and shaking with unfulfilled needs doesn't take much to get me on the bed offer myself legs wide spread what is it that takes me over so i demean myself as i roll over what is it that makes my pulse pound so i can't hear anyone around what makes my heart beat like a drum my entire body start to hum nothing obscene not any perversion i don't think anyone would have an aversion all you need do is something so natural it will be quick i'll keep it casual i'm not even fickle i take all comers because i'm burning like the hottest of summers i'll lay myself down don't care who you are man or a woman everyone can take me far i still haven't told you what makes me wet keeps me looking see what i can get the need that i have that makes me shiver is your attention causes me to quiver pay me a compliment listen to my words spend time with me sounds so absurd because i am that bitch all too often ignored until you see my need then i am a whore my lust is insatiable enough can never be enough i don't mind if you're gentle won't care if you're rough either way i find ecstasy an emotional orgasm it temporarily fills my heart's chasm once we are done and i am gratified i strut around quite glassy-eyed unlike that bitch i'm always in season need driving me always far beyond reason Poems - Poems Tue, 09 Dec 2008 20:14:10 +0100 http://www.emmachristina.com/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=42 i hate that no harm contract. it's just a fucking piece of paper with my fucking signature on it but i have imbued it with disproportionate powers. how else to explain the overwhelming urge to cut or to fuck and not following either of them? how else to explain the lust i have for just one moment of relief and yet leave myself aching and empty? without it i could let the euphoria take me and be released from this restless state. instead my breathing is quick and i'm shaking. my only lifeline a fucking pill that will insulate me from what i'm feeling. and where does the feeling go? off into oblivion? would that it were so. no, the feeling flows out sluggishly, an emotional tidal surge returning to its source. and the source, well it stays. hungry and wary, awaiting the next opportunity to rush in. no stealth, no finesse. just an assault meant to crush and punish. i stand alone with just a fucking piece of paper to save me. a contract signed to deny the demons inside me from having their way. i ache to take it back. i long to let the demons out to play so the landslide of temptation could sweep me along. if not for one stupid, fucking piece of paper, i could feel sane right now. Blog - Blog Sat, 22 Nov 2008 23:35:12 +0100 http://www.emmachristina.com/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=41 why is it that when i desperately need someone to talk to, no one is available? can you explain that to me please? NOW is when i could really benefit from someone listening to me but no, everyone is either on the wrong coast or has gone to bed. FUCK. and now i have to update my fucking no harm contract. no, i didn't harm myself so i'm still safe. however, if i continue to get behind the wheel of my fucking car when i'm fucking irate i will end up in a fucking accident. at this point, i could care less. i'd rather slam into the median than feel this way. BECAUSE GUESS WHAT? I'VE BEEN THERE DONE THAT, REMEMBER? I'M STILL BOTTLING THINGS UP, STUFFING THEM DOWN, KEEPING THEM HIDDEN BECAUSE I'M NOT ALLOWED TO LET THEM OUT. AND GETTING OUT OF MY GODDAMN HOUSE WON'T CHANGE THAT. I'M TRADING ONE STIFLING ENVIRONMENT FOR ANOTHER. FUCK ME! AND YOU WANT ME TO CARE ABOUT COMING CLOSE TO 6 MONTHS INJURY FREE. WHY? WHY THE HELL SHOULD I? IT'S NOT GOING TO COMFORT ME AS I GO TO SLEEP TONIGHT. IT'S NOT GOING TO MAKE ANYTHING EASIER. I'M STILL GOING TO HURT SO FUCKING MUCH THAT I CAN'T SEE STRAIGHT. I'LL STILL HAVE A LITTLE GIRL INSIDE ME CURLED UP INTO A BALL, SOBBING AND SOBBING. SHE'S ALL ALONE IN THERE AND I CAN'T FUCKING HELP HER BECAUSE I'M TOO GODDAMN ANGRY. i'll still be inches away from giving into a tantalizing madness that ony i can see. and why not? the illusion of it is far more comforting than the reality i've made for myself. and this is only the beginning, brian. if it's this bad now, how bad will it get? what about when it's like this for days on end? how will i cope then? how the hell am i supposed to do this alone? because no matter how much you or my family or my friends help me, bottom line is that it is my choice to stay safe. mine and mine alone. sometimes i choose to be safe for myself, sometimes i choose to be safe for someone else, sometimes i choose to be safe because of my contract. will the day come when none of that is enough? will the day come when i will be out of reasons to stay safe? will the day come when the reasons to stay safe don't matter as much as the reasons not to stay safe? what i wouldn't give for a razor right now. i know exactly how it would feel and i wouldn't be dependent on anyone for that relief. I WOULDN'T BE DESPERATELY NEEDING TO TALK TO SOMEONE. instead of spending the last fifteen minutes writing this fucking e-mail, i would be calm, worn out, expended. i crave that feeling more than you can possibly imagine. BUT I'M FUCKING CHAINED TO THESE FUCKING FEELINGS THAT ARE EATING AWAY AT ME. WHEN THEY ARE DONE, WHAT WILL BE LEFT? HOW MUCH OF ME WILL WAKE UP WHOLE AND SANE TOMORROW? HOW MUCH OF ME WILL RETREAT IN SELF-DEFENSE? BECAUSE RIGHT NOW IF I RETREATED FULLY I WOULDN'T FUCKING CARE! but tomorrow i'll have to wake up and paste a smile on my face for the world to see. meanwhile, behind my eyes will be a torrent of emotions that i do not dare acknowledge for fear they will blow my mind wide open. i'm not exaggerating either. you probably think i am but i'm not. Blog - Blog Tue, 11 Nov 2008 22:43:50 +0100 http://www.emmachristina.com/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=39 my friend brian and i went to the gym today. after a lovely workout, yes i said lovely, we went to the back 40 and laid on the grass. flat on our backs, watching the clouds go by, enjoying the warmth of the sunshine. for me, it was good for my sore back and my heart, mind and soul. brian summed it up better when he called it peaceful comfort . something he and i both miss, need, crave right now. but why does peaceful comfort have to be an endangered species? rarely glimpsed and achingly elusive. so very hard to capture. and once caught, you realize she is nothing more than a gossamer wisp that melts in your hands. nothing to hold, nothing to carry. you end up letting her go without really realizing you had her in your grasp. all you can do is weep at what was. and then you hurt so fiercely from the lack you hunt for her as if you would prey. only to realize she isn't something that can be stalked or cornered. she cannot be leashed or caged. you wait patiently, quietly, hoping to lure her with your immobility. because then you will humble yourself at her feet and beg her to stay. pray that she lets you curl up next to her and bask in her warmth. for those few moments, let her hold the world at bay so you can rest. all too soon, she is ready to leave. you let her go because you finally realize she is not yours to force. she will come when she will. and then, then you will weep with relief because she graced you with her presence. you will silently scream for the joy of being whole. and you will endeavor to etch her into your memory so you can conjure her up as you would any other happy memory. but it never really works out that way. somehow peaceful comfort is only real when you are in her midst. once she fades to the background, it's as if she never was. she's a willow-the-wisp that dances teasingly out of vision. maybe someday i can tame her. then again, perhaps not. as i said, she is a wild thing not easily caught. for now, i'll lie in wait. i'll approach her gently, reverently. and maybe, just maybe, she'll let me lie against her. let me cry into her soft embrace and for a brief moment, be free. Blog - Blog Sat, 04 Oct 2008 23:40:25 +0100 http://www.emmachristina.com/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=38&Itemid=31 hush now whisper low he's right here you've no where to go you have no strength for you to be safe he's every where and no place you are but a shadow he has weakened you can't see you weep darkly tears bright and new your will frightened just as you feared he'll be your nightmare as night draws near no protection for you craving a vampiric kiss soul-sucking oblivion born in the bloodiest abyss you scream in your mind holding still paralyzing yourself what will you will he raped you bare violated from within yet you want to sacrifice for him your skin give over your body to make his dominance complete bleed your surrender in defeat yet he'll not stop there will be no cease and you'll not rest you'll have no peace yes he is here you have no where to go if you whisper and hush he won't know Poems - Poems Mon, 29 Sep 2008 02:14:03 +0100